The Devil Went Down to Harvard

(cw: slightly-outdated scarecrow-bashing)

The Devil went down to Harvard, lookin for a curious fool
For the urge to know what makes things go is the Devil’s favorite tool
He took a book of lore with him from the burning pits of hell
For which he knew any serious sage would surely pay him well

So he went up to an undergrad, with the grimoire on his knee
And said “I’ll sell you mystic lore but it will not come for free”
The student looked at the wicked book and saw that it was long
And looked down at his practice test with half the answers wrong

The Devil said “I’ll make you a wizard strong and learned
Who knows the path of the secret math that makes the planets turn”
The student said “I’ll study law and I’ll settle for nothing more
And I refuse to waste my time on unproductive lore.”

So next he went to a teacher, a professor old and wise
And he said “The final cosmic plan I’ll lay before your eyes”
But she just laughed and shook her head: “You fool, stop bothering me
No one cool these days believes in objectivity.”

She said “All truth is politics, all politics is truth
As long as it comes from the likes of me and angry blue-state youth"
The Devil let his mouth hang wide for just a minute or two
Then turned his tail with an angry wail and away from Harvard flew.

He put the cursèd book again in the pit where it was found
And went back to his hiding-hole in the bottom of the ground
He said “They were corrupted, but no Faustus did I find
For the fatal sin of hubris does require a working mind!”